


Melomaniac

by bingsukai



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Fictional Disease, Grief/Mourning, Insanity, Is this how you tag?, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Mélomane Syndrome, Soobin centric, TXT is a band here, minor cussing, no proofread because we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28279845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingsukai/pseuds/bingsukai
Summary: Mélomane Syndrome— a disease that is caused by lost or unrequited love. The victim will begin to experience a stage of mental hallucinations that is called the Boucle Effect. In which they begin to hear a song that continues to play in their head over and over again, slowly causing the patient to driven over the edge of insanity.It would start off as a soft melody, much like a song stuck on your head. Then it continues to get louder and louder in your head as the days go by.orSoobin realizes something he should have realized a long time ago.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin, Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	Melomaniac

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This fic has a Spotify playlist, so just in case you want a deeper immersion while reading the fic feel free to read it with the playlist down below. Also the setting is on Christmas Eve but it isn't snowing for some reason, so bear with that please. I hope you Enjoy! ^^
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5FxZsfie2PgLK8UoMh8qJt

"Soobin hyung are you sure you're not gonna join us to eat? Its been months since you went out with the gang, come on can you join just this once?" Taehyun said, trying to convince the elder to actually take a new breath of fresh air.

He's beginning to hole up in his room again. Taehyun knows too well that this will last for another week or so if he doesn't stop it on any way or form.

So today he decided on going out to eat for Christmas with the rest of the group for that night, but alas it seems like he can't budge into Soobin's thoughts today.

He had been stuck on this habit for quite some time now. It was an on and off cycle for the older. Sometimes he would seem perfectly normal but then before they knew it he's hiding in his room again.

Infact the only time his members would see him is either from group studies, classes or when they go out in public libraries. Heck even if they were a band in the first place they haven't performed in a while now because of the way how their leader is acting.

This alarmed his members, especially Taehyun. Being the older's close friend, even before they've created the band, he knows Soobin is an introverted guy but he'd never go out his way to isolate himself for such a long time. Or even go through such lengths just to hide from his peers.

Taehyun knocked outside of the elder's room once again, his knocks getting louder as the seconds go by, trying to gain Soobin's attention once more in hopes on being able to convince him to go eat out with everyone else.

"Hyung please, did you forget it's my birthday soon? Can this be my birthday gift from you? Its literally Christmas Eve today, come on hyung." Taehyun bribed him, mayhaps this will convince him to come out right?

But yet again he was just met with just pure silence from the older.

"Hyung?" He tried to knock once more, only for his hand to be stopped by the familiar hand of a certain band mate. His wrist being gripped and was then pulled away from the wooden door.

"Don't push him Taehyun, healing takes time." He said calmly, reassuring Taehyun that Soobin will be okay, before he decided go of the younger's wrist.

This specific remark only sent a scrunched frown on Taehyun's face. He was clearly annoyed with Soobin's new childish behavior but he was still indeed worried for him. But as it got longer his frustrations only grew more and more inside of him.

He can't help but get worried but at the same time he is getting tired of this behavior. Soobin's the leader for pete's sake and he was on the younger side of the members. Yet at that moment Taehyun feels like the roles had been switched for some reason that he doesn't even know about.

"He won't even tell us what happened or what we can do to help him. Its been 6 months Yeonjun hyung, 6 months! I'll understand if he's going to grieve about something but could he at least let us know how we can help him. Look even Kai is extremely worried about him! You and I both know how close those two are, yet for these past few months they barely even talked at all!" The maknae whisper shouted, frustration marked on his voice as he tried to let his voice be quiet enough so a certain blue headed male wouldn't hear his remarks but would still be audible to the pink haired male who stood infront of him.

"We'll be here when Soobin needs us, but for now Soobin needs some sapce and some time to be alone." Yeonjun reassured their second maknae once more, hoping to have convinced him to leave their leader alone for now.

Taehyun tried to protest but Yeonjun simply just shushed the boy and ruffled his blonde hair, lacing his hands on the younger's shoulders before saying.

"Come on let's go eat out, we a new guitarist to welcome remember?" Yeonjun said as he tried to lift up Taehyun's mood to which Taehyun smiled at.

"Soobin! We'll be out if you need us okay? Just text me if you want anything." Yeonjun shouted from the other side of Soobin's door, bidding him goodbye afterwards before he and his two other band mates went out to eat and mayhaps possibly meet up with their new band mate.

Meanwhile Soobin was there at his room, hiding under his grey comforter. His room reeked with the smell of cup noodles, his clothes both new ones and used ones were scattered all over the floor.

His desk overflowing with undone school works, and the only thing that illuminated the boy's room was his TV.

To summarize, his room was an absolute pigsty, but its not like Soobin was any better. The boy had been sleeping throughout the entire week, he hadn't even taken a bath as well.

This type of a lifestyle isn't really the best ways of living, yet for Soobin it was a pretty calming life already.

He was on the comfort of his own bed, he had an entire stock of instant noodles he can probably live with for another 3 months or so. Maybe even 4 if he skips dinner.

And most importantly he didn't need to confront anyone every again. He's just all by himself, just the way he likes it.

Or is it?

Unbeknownst to his members, their leader had actually been going through something that clearly wouldn't make sense if he ever explained it to any normal human being.

They'd probably think their leader was just hallucinating or even worse they'd think Soobin had already gone insane.

Soobin can't handle that, he can't handle seeing those teasing faces from the people he trusted the most.

The first few people that he trusted the most.

Confrontations was one thing that Soobin really needs to work on, yet his poor train of thought is stopping him from doing things he wants to improve on.

It really all came crashing down when that one person left his life.

Soobin could only let out a deep sigh as he continued to hide under his comforter, trying to hide his entirety from the whole world.

His deep thoughts were cut off when he heard a certain ping go off on his phone. Being too lazy to get up he just tried to reach it from the table beside his bead, almost knocking off his lamp at the process.

Once he had gained his grasp onto the certain black gadget he immediately opened his phone, only to be greeted by the notification that Yeonjun already added that new guitarist in their kakao group chat.

Soobin being uninterested just dismissed that certain notification and went on to Twitter, maybe he'll find something interesting there.

Soobin was so unproductive for the past few months that he doesn't even know if he'll get his shit together anymore.

As Soobin scrolled through his timeline a certain melody kept on creeping up his thoughts again. It was a subtle sound but that subtle sound just continued to play inside Soobin's head.

Soobin used to think that it was just a Last Song Syndrome or something but it has been coming back for a while now and Soobin is clearly annoyed by it.

Its that same melody that he dreads to hear, the song of certain Indie Californian Singer that he listens to. Well once listened to, thanks to the influence of a certain someone that is.

The song named "Line Without a Hook"

He remembers it clearly from his younger years. That person used to sing this to him almost everytime he asks them to back when he was still 16 years old.

Soobin could only let out a sigh, letting his head run off to hear that song once more up in his mind, a big wave of nostalgia hitting him as he sang a line from the song.

_"Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you. I need you here to stay."_

In the end he couldn't really resist singing such a nostalgic song, it was basically muscle memory at this point.

_"I broke all my bones that day I found you. Crying at the lake."_

It had been 2 years since he had heard this song, yet just recently the whole song back to him as if its playing on his head on repeat.

It started off as a melody that he thought was familiar, then this melody in his head grew louder and louder. Until the day came that he had concluded that it was indeed the song he used to love so much.

_"Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? If I could take it all back I swear that I..."_

But today, this song only holds a memory he wishes he can forget. Yet at the same time he doesn't want to forget. He wishes to forget so he wouldn't be able to feel such a pain for longing anymore yet at the same time he wishes to remember every word she used to tell him.

Every quote, every wise word, every song, every laugh, every memory, just everything.

Unconsciously Soobin let out a few tears, he misses her. He misses the smiles they used to share, the singing they used to do together.

He just simply missed her so much he couldn't even handle it. He wants her back, he wants Choi Nari back.

He wants his sister back.

It was painful for him, Soobin had been so dependent on her. With the absence of their parents Nari, his older sister, basically raised him.

He remembers how his sister introduced him to music for the first time. How she taught him the guitar.

How Nari would lull him to sleep as a kid even if she didn't have the prettiest of voice out there, but for him her voice was the prettiest thing he could have ever heard.

As he grew into his teen years his relationship with her older sister never faltered. They were still the same, infact they have gotten close with the help of their love for music.

Nari would always talk about she wanted to form a band, to be able to sing in crowds and busk in different places of South Korea just to perform in different crowds.

But she always tells herself that she will never be able to such things, even if his brother, Soobin thinks otherwise.

As Soobin reached his last year of middle school he began to notice a change of habit within his sister.

She ate less, exercised more and had a drastic change on her physical appearance.

Soobin had just thought that it was a change of lifestyle. Soobin knows how their society tends to be strict about ones appearance, maybe her sister just wanted to lose some extra weight. Not like she needs to lose anything.

Oh If only Soobin knew that this was the beginning of something that will regret not stopping in the future.

Her sister became more thinner and thinner as the months went by. His sister's once slightly chubby figure turned so thin, not in a good way that is.

And his mother who was present with them? She wasn't helping at all, infact she constantly scolds her for petty things. One simple thing like the simply asking her sister to clean up her room a bit would become a life long lecture for Nari.

Soobin always wondered why she would be scolded for no reason, her room was always clean. She doesn't even have bad grades, infact she is included in the smartest class in their school.

But every single flaw she does turns into a life long lecture from her mother. Soobin couldn't understand, if her sister was that bad then what about him?

Their mother's love was passive-aggressive. One moment she's nice but once second later she'll be mad at you. But it their case, Nari was the only one experiencing their mother's aggressive " **love** ".

He was the one who had a messy room, the one who liked to play games a lot. Heck even his grades are just average and he sometimes fails classes.

Yet his sister, the one he thinks is perfect in her own ways was treated as if she's done the worst thing in the world.

As if having a flaw was a disgrace to their family. Soobin couldn't understand, why? Is it because she's the only female in their family? The both of them had an even older brother so it certainly wasn't the fact that she was the oldest.

Was it because she is a female?

He remembers that one time where he came home late, not because he studied but he got too carried away with playing in the PC café that he and his friends went to.

He remembers that day clearly, because that day really made him realize something in his family.

* * *

"I heard you were out with your friends?" Soobin heard his mom's voice from the kitchen.

He tried so hard to sneak in without his mom hearing, but when he was passing by the kitchen entrance his mother immediately felt his presence in the room.

"Are you not gonna answer me Soobin?" Her mother said once again, still continuing to wash the dishes.

"I'm sorry, I got too carried away." Soobin lowered his head, he just knows he'll experience what his sister goes through everyday. But after a few seconds of silence in the room he didn't hear it, he didn't hear that ominous scolding from his mother but instead he heard these words.

"I see, did you have fun?" Is what she said, this left Soobin a bit puzzled. What? Is she not mad at him? Soobin was certainly waiting for the scolding to happen but it wasn't there.

"Are you— are you not mad?"

"Now why would I? You're still in your teens of course you'll want to play, just be sure to tell me if you're going home past your curfew next time."

This moment was confusing for Soobin, but he was just simply glad that his mother wasn't mad. He was now on his way to his room but he suddenly paused when he heard a panicked shuffle behind their front door, the sound causing him to face their front door.

After a few failed attempts of opening the door the person behind it finally opened it, which revealed to be Nari who was currently out of breath.

"I'm sorry I'm late, I didn't notice the time and I was too caught up at studying at the library." Nari said immediately once she entered the house. She immediately took off her shoes and went to see if their mom was going to be mad.

Soobin thought their mother wouldn't be, knowing that she was just a few minutes later than him when he came home.

But he thought wrong.

"And why are you late?" He could hear the anger in his mother's voice.

"I was too caught up in studying, I'm sorry it won't happen again." Nari explained but for some reason their mother won't believe her reason.

"Sure you are, or were you on a date with that boy from your class. Stop wasting your time on that stupid music club of yours, its not like you'll become and idol or anything. With that body of yours you won't even pass the first auditions." Their mom kept on and on about everything she finds about Nari that simply does not fit their mother's taste.

Nari would simple just listen to her bickering yet that day was different.

"May I rest for the day? I'm so sorry for being late, but I'm just really tired. We had 5 tests today so maybe I was wondering if I could sleep in early?" Nari said in the middle of their mother's bickering.

That one reply, one reply was all it took for a slap to reach Nari's cheek. Soobin saw it all, the bickering. The implied favoritism, he noticed it that day.

He usually won't interfere because either Nari or his mom would make him go up to his room. But in that day he was there. He understood that very well.

As a child growing up, he simply just thought their mother was just hard on her because she is older than Soobin. It was not that at all, there was favoritism in that household. And Soobin did not like that thought not even one bit.

After that day Soobin did his best to make sure that their mom won't hurt her sister in any way. True, he was just simply a 15 years old boy but diverting him mom's attention to him was something he can do at the least. As long as it would ease the tension for her sister, even for just a little bit he wouldn't mind it.

He really thought it was all going well that time, but alas a parent's words will always leave a mark on their children.

Their mother's words stuck to Nari, it was subtle but Soobin just knows her sudden decrease of eating was not normal. Even if it was just "a diet".

This concerned him a lot, he once tried to talk about it on his mom. Maybe even convincing her to make Nari go see a doctor. But alas their mom didn't listen, infact she said it was a good thing. Because that way Nari would finally lose weight and mayhaps she wouldn't be ashamed to claim her as her daughter anymore.

"She's thin enough, this isn't healthy anymore." Soobin said, convincing his mother one more time.

"Nonsense, she's fine. She still eats so stop worrying about your sister." Yet even after all those attempts his mother wouldn't budge, leaving Soobin very disappointed.

"I'm going to eat dinner in my room, I need to study for a test."

"Go ahead, just be sure to bring down the dirty dishes afterwards." With his mother's permission, Soobin got up from his seat and took his untouched dinner plate with him and went upstairs passing by his bedroom door.

He lied, Soobin wasn't going to study at all. He's incredibly worried about his sister, if he can't convince their mother maybe he could at least convince her sister to eat more balanced meals.

Once he reached his sister's bedroom door he knocked a few times before entering her room.

"Noona I brought food." He could see her sister was lying under her bedsheets, as much as he doesn't want to disturb her she needs to eat.

Soobin placed the dinner plate on Nari's desk and went on to sit on the edge of her bed to wake her up.

"Noona you need to eat, even just a few bites please?" Soobin shook the hemn of her sister's blanket which caused her to squirm under the sheets.

"Soobin I'm sleepy, you can go borrow Noona's guitar if you want. I'm not hungry." Nari says as she snuggled herself closer under the sheets.

"Don't you feel hot under all those thick sheets? Its summer season already." But even with Nari's makeshift excuse, he didn't leave her that easily.

"Its cold, very cold."

"Well we have beodeot kalguksu ( _Korean mushroom soup_ ) for dinner and a few other dishes. Maybe that'll help?"

There was a few minutes of silence first before Soobin could feel the sudden movement under Nari's sheets.

She sat up from her bed and flattened her hair for a bit before replying.

"I'll take the kalguksu." Hearing this delighted Soobin a lot. So he stood up and went to her desk to grab the dinner plate he brought.

He handed the bowl of kalguksu to her sister and placed the rest of the food on Nari's lamp table.

"Good?" Nari only nodded, a small smile creeping up her lips.

"Thanks Soobin, you're the best."

The siblings talked for a while, Nari taking small bites of her food ever so often. Its a psychological trick Soobin learned. People tend to not pay attention to their surroundings when they are talking with someone.

With one factor of it is being able to not notice your intake on such things. While some people would usually consume less when they are talking with someone while eating, Soobin noticed that her sister pays attention to what she eats a lot more than what people usually would.

So he thinks this small gesture would really help her out and she would pay attention less on what she would eat, which indeed did work thankfully.

She didn't finish her entire meal but that was the most food she ate for the entire week.

"Noona your hair is so thin already, what happened?" Soobin asked with concern as he noticed the drastic change.

Their family has always had thick haired genes and seeing her with thin hair was such an unusual thing.

"Ah that? I've been having hair fall lately, it must have gotten out of had. Must be because of the new shampoo my friend gave me, ah this is so annoying. I hope it grows back soon." Nari joked about she was annoyed at the new occurrence.

"You should take care of yourself, you still need to teach me other instruments in the future. I can't have you being bald right?" Soobin joked back, trying to ease the tension he accidentally made a few seconds earlier.

"Yes yes I'll teach you, hey we can do the bass guitar next. Then I'll let you play it on the song I've been working on."

"You're working on a song?! That's so cool! Noona is so cool!" Soobin's eyes had this certain look on them everytime he talks to his sister.

The look of admiration.

"I know right? Here I'll show you the lyrics its on my phone."

Nari then proceeded to open up her notes up to show her brother the lyrics she came up on.

"Its still a bit rusty and incomplete but you kinda get the idea."

"That's so cool!"

Nari took a good look at her brother who smiled so enthusiastically over some random lyrics that were on her phone, sending a small wave of happiness inside of her.

"Alright alright, its getting late go to your room and maybe do your homework before you sleep okay?"

"Aye aye!" Soobin saluted meanwhile his sister simply just ruffled his head to which he giggled at.

"Work hard! Love you!"

"Love you too Noona!"

Soobin took Nari's leftovers before he left her room.

If only he had knew that would be last time he would hear her voice.

* * *

"Soobin? Its me your Chunhei Noona. From your sister's music club in school." Soobin could hear the shake in her voice. A weird lump in Soobin's throat, his anxiety rising as the second goes by.

"Yes, Soobin speaking. What's the matter Noona? Why are you on Arin Noona's phone?" The middle schooler asked, a weird air of tension suddenly surrounding his thoughts.

"Nari didn't want to call your mother, so I figured I'd call you instead." He could hear how Chunhei staggered a bit at the middle of her sentence.

"She's at the hospital right now, her nose started bleeding when we were at the library then she fainted. We figured it was because of the heat since she was wearing a sweatshirt in the summer. When we brought her to the clinic, the moment the nurse to took off her jacket..."

There was a pause, both lines being silent before Chunhei continued.

"Soobin she's so thin, not healthy thin. She's severely wasted, you could see her ribs already, and her arms were stick like. How long has this been going? Didn't your mom notice? Her health is at risk Soo—" suddenly the call went ragged, Soobin could hear a few yelling at the background.

"Chunhei Noona? What's going on? Noona?!"

He never heard a reply from his other Noona, just a frantic voice of another female saying.

"Her system collapsed!"

He didn't understand what it meant, but he already knows it means no good.

And later on that day, he was right.

The moment he stood in that hospital room, the room where his sister lied down. He could only look at his own mother in disgust.

He felt disgusted breathing the same air as her hypocritical face, hearing the lies she's saying to the doctor.

Tear stains dripping down her cheeks as she says that she always made sure her sister was eating. That she didn't pressure her into such diets. That she didn't know would when her parenting ever went wrong.

True, she never forced her into anything but did she suddenly forget the fact that she was the reason for her low self esteem. She was the reason for each night she'd have to stay up till dawn just to study and exercise because her own grades and physique was never enough.

She thought she was never enough, and all of it was because of your stupid standards.

"Her system shut down due to the lack of nutrients in her body. She had severe anorexia that wasn't treated earlier than it should have. Maam, most people with anorexia never reach to a point like this unless their body has reach to the point of being severely wasted, but for Choi Nari's case she didn't need to reach that point. She has a very frail physique to begin with, her illness just made her body weaker and weaker which lead her body systems to shut down by itself. I'm afraid there is no way to bring her back. I'm sorry for your loss." The doctor left the broken mother, sobbing at the side of Choi Nari's hospital bed.

Soobin's mother turned her head towards her son who stood at the other side of the bed, she tried to reach out to him. In hopes to achieving some sort of comfort but she didn't receive any.

Just the dripping venom of hatred in the next sentence that her youngest son said, **"I'm moving with dad."**

The next day after her sister's burial Soobin flew to America almost immediately, he doesn't wish to breathe the same air with that person. He was just glad that his parents' divorce would come in handy one day.

He was filled with anger and hatred, which slowly turned to longing for his sister, and then as time went by that longing became a deep feeling of depression.

Across the years Soobin asked himself if there would have been a way to help her, maybe he was actually the one to save her. If only he wasn't too naive, if only he was smarter to read what those signs meant.

Maybe, just maybe. He would have saved his sister from her own demons.

He moved out, lived in a new country, met new peers and people. Heck he even made a band together with his college best friend , Yeonjun, but why.

Why on earth is everything still so empty, is it just because of the loss of his sister? Or was there something more to it.

Soobin didn't know, but for now he just wants to go out and drink or maybe even eat while he's at it. But he couldn't be bothered for anything at the moment. He's been too dramatic for that day, it may be past 12 AM as of the moment but he's going out.

His band mates aren't even back from their welcome party yet so it wouldn't be a problem.

He needed to distract his mind off of things, and what better way to do that is to drink. He threw his sheets off of his body and finally got up from his bed.

He went to his closet and changed into some sweatpants, with a hoodie over his already worn t-shirt. He knows he should be wearing more layers since its winter season and there's already snow outside but that wasn't his concern as of the moment.

He just knows he needs to forget a few things tonight, even if it was just for tonight.

He always sees Yeonjun drinking whenever his fling or ex girlfriends break up with him. So he just assumes that drinking will solve his problems tonight.

The guy didn't even bother to shower, he knows he'll smell like beer later on anyways. He grabbed his wallet and a padded jacket. Locked their shared dorms and went out into the city.

Tonight is going to be a long night.

* * *

"That'll be a total of 14.75$."

Soobin handed a 20$ bill to the female registrar and took a good look around the store before asking his next question.

"Do you guys usually have many customers around? If you don't mind me asking."

He noticed the shop was... fairly quiet. Well, too quiet for a store that is located at the busiest city in the US.

"Oh, it's because our locals here are usually just some off work models or some people who need a few extra things throughout the day. I mean this is a convenience store after all. Prices are cheap, and of course convenient since the model agency is just a few blocks from here. New York is a busy city so we get our customer rush form time to time."

Soobin could only nod at her statement. The registrar then handed him his purchased beer and his change.

Well at least they're nice, most people these days are really rude. Especially since Soobin is considered a foreigner on these parts.

Was it because the female is also one? It was no doubt that the female in her late 20s has european descent features, but Soobin wasn't one to assume someone else's ancestry background.

"Thanks for your purchase, We hope to see you again."

Soobin was just simply about to leave with his beer but paused when a certain thought came into mind.

"Say, does your convenience store have a rooftop?"

* * *

"Its a bit dusty up here you know, are you sure you'll drink here?" The female staff asked again. A bit hesitant to let the stranger– No, their customer stay in such a place. But she really couldn't resist since she knows she also went to convience store rooftop's when she was a teen, but we're not going to talk about that.

"We have a foldable chair beside the air vent. Okay but are you really sure? Cause I won't really mind you drinking in the seats outside. Trust me its night time, the police won't even care to be honest."

The staff thought maybe that was his concern, New York does really have a rule about drinking in public places but she won't really mind to be honest. It's her store after all.

"Ah, I don't want to be seen drinking tho. I don't want to leave a bad image on your store."

"How did you even know about these things, did you once work at a convenience store before?" She asked, knowing that the rooftops were kind of an only staff thing. So unless this man a previous staff of such a place, no one would really know that the rooftops can be freely used as long as they clean up afterwards.

"Kind of, I needed some extra income back when I was a college freshman."

"Ah I see, well then I'll leave you to it. I'll just send someone up here after a few hours to check up on you kay?"

Soobin only nodded, eyeing the view of that said rooftop. Well she didn't lie when she said it was dusty and wasn't swept for a while. But that wasn't Soobin's greatest concern as of the moment.

It was cold since the holiday season is quite near already, so the first snow fall might happen sooner of later now.

Soobin took the foldable chair that the staff said sat by the edge of the rooftop, eyeing the view of the urban parts of New York.

Getting comfy in his seat, he took out one can of beer from his plastic bag and opened it. Hearing that familiar pop of fizz that one would usually hear from a can of soda.

"What would she be doing right now if she was still here." He said before taking his first sip off of the alcoholic beverage. Feeling that familiar and calming burn on his throat that surely brings him comfort at his current state.

Soobin thinks of what Nari's future would be like if she had lived longer. Would she have attended that music school she always wanted to go to?

Would she also move out just like what Soobin did? What would the possibilities be if he stayed with his toxic mother? Will he still be happy? If Nari still lived, would she be happy with her life as well?

What would she do? What would have been her next step after high school? Would she actually ask Soobin to move out with her just like what she had planned before?

Would she have also formed a band once she finished college just like Soobin? Come to think of it, the only reason why Soobin's created that band with Yeonjun was because he'd think it would be a great tribute to her sister.

But after everything, then what?

Was he actually happy? If so, then why does everything have no sense even after everything that he did?

He's lost, so lost. Longing for comfort he once had. To the point he tried to find comfort in the things that damages him.

Isolation

Excessive Sleep or Barely Even Sleeping

Skipping Meals

Drowning himself in Social Media

And now Alcohol

The things that harm him, are the things that usually brings him comfort.

Its insane how he used to think a few days ago that everything will get better when Christmas Season comes. He was wrong. A holiday can't just simply erase all his burden, all his pain, all his problems.

Its still there, its just that basic human nature just thinks everything will get better at a certain day because of the apparent "Happiness" it gives to you.

The days will simply come, Christmas is in the next few days but he's still unenthusiastic about it.

To think that everything will get better just because of a certain day just made Soobin laugh a little. He remembers how he used to believe in such things.

How he used to believe the term "New Year, New Me" phrase.

It was just utter bullshit that humans made up.

He gulped down the can of beer in one go, his eyes tearing up a bit from the burn in his throat. At this point, what's there to believe anymore.

His mother was toxic, his father just took him in for the sole purpose of finally having that pride that he won over him after he got divorced with his mom, his neglected relationship with others and his band...

Ah yes the band, pretty sure they're tired of him too. Doyoon, their previous guitarist said it to his face already before he left.

_**"What kind of a leader are you?! Fucking hell its been 6 Months! You're being selfish for fucks sake, you're not the only one with problems here. Stop being so sensitive!"** _

Ah, he remembers those words well. Especially the selfish part. He is selfish, and sooner or later he feels like Taehyun will give up on him too.

He heard it, heard about how he complained about his pathetic lifestyle earlier. He just knows he's getting tired too.

I mean, who would want to waste their time on someone like him anyways.

Just from that thought, the thought of being left all alone. Being forgotten, its scares him. He could feel tears falling from his eyes as he continues to chug down his third can of beer.

He's afraid that when someone finds someone better that him he'll simply just become a second choice. Why did have to come to such things?

He has a lot of unanswered questions in his mind, and he's slowly growing crazy because of it. And that sound, That annoying sound in his head. It keeps playing and playing.

That same song over and over again. Its annoying, really annoying. But Soobin knows what it is, what it lead him to have it. And why is he suffering at the moment, both physically and mentally.

**Mélomane**

He really thought that was just some utter bullshit that his middle school Science Teacher said to scare students into not falling in love with just random people. Huh, guess some things are just full of surprises.

Soobin just finished his 5th can, his vision was becoming a bit hazy. Seems like his alcohol tolerance isn't that well, and he's just only drunk half of the beers he bought for the night.

Soobin pulls out his phone to call that one person that he trusts that would pick him up if he ever passes out.

"Yeonjun Hyung, can you come pick me up. Same convenience store from last week..." He said to the phone, his voice slurring a bit because of the beer.

He could hear a few loud noises in the background which sent a small smile to his lips, well at least they're having fun.

Soobin waited for the other to respond but instead of that jolly voice he usually hears from his hyung, he heard a deep familiar voice that he knows too well.

_"Soobin?"_

"Yes, its Soobin." Soobin unconsciously gulped before continuing.

_"What are you doing with Hyung's phone... **Beomgyu**."_

Ah, how long has it been? A year or so? Having an ex surely wasn't a good thing for Soobin.

Especially when the two didn't really end in good terms.

_"He's drunk, the Taehyun and the other kid are currently taking care of him in the bathroom."_

"Ah I see..." Soobin wasn't really sure what to say after that, the conversation was all to awkward all of a sudden. There was this dead air in between them.

What in the circumstances were there for him to be the one to answer that call, its was so uncalled for. Soobin wasn't ready to face him at all, let alone talk to him.

This day is really getting worse and worse by the second.

"Can you just make sure they get back to the dorm safely? That's all, I'll hang up now."

Soobin's thumb was on its way to the end call button, but was stopped when he heard Beomgyu speak from the other line once again.

 _"Do you still need anyone to pick you up?"_ Beomgyu sounded a bit hesitant over the phone, not really sure if he can do such a favor at the current relationship status those two were on.

"I'm good, I'll manage to hitch an uber or something."

Soobin was determined to literally just end the call right there, maybe it was a mistake to call Yeonjun's phone at that time.

 _"I'll just go pick you up once I get these three back."_ Even before Soobin could decline then call already ended.

Great, now he's going to have an awkward moment with his ex.

Not really that great since he's literally having a mental breakdown a few minutes ago. Usually when someone meets their ex they would be at a state of a better version of themselves.

But Soobin doesn't look like that right now. He hasn't showered in 2 weeks, his eyes are all puffy from crying, the bags on his eyes already speak for his lack of sleep, and to top it all off he's drunk and smells like cheap beer.

Great just great

Soobin stares at the remaining 3 cans of beer beside his seat, contemplating if he should just leave it, throw it out or just simply chugging it all before Beomgyu comes.

At given moments like this, sober Soobin would simply just throw out the trash and keep the leftover beer for later. But given the fact that this boy is under the influence of alcohol he decided to make a stupid decision to just chug everything before Beomgyu comes.

Maybe the alcohol can make him pass out and he wouldn't have to deal with an awkward conversation with his ex.

Wrong move, when Beomgyu came to pick him up Soobin's comprehension of filtering his mouth was thrown outside of the window.

As stupid as it sounds Beomgyu found Soobin arguing with himself when he reached the rooftop.

"Soobin?"

"You!" Soobin pointed to which he assumes was Beomgyu, his words slurring at the process.

"Did they get home safely?" He said hiccuping in between his sentence.

"Yeah, Yeonjun's drunk and the other two were just really tired from taking care of him all night. I ordered them food if you're asking about their dinner. Also Soobin... You're pointing at the building from across the street. I'm behind you."

Beomgyu tried his best to not laugh at the elder's state, this was his first time to see Soobin drunk. Its kind of funny if you ask him.

"Oh, I was kind of surprised that you got taller back there." Soobin laughed, which send a wave of nostalgia back to Beomgyu.

Its been a while.

"Alright let's get you home." Beomgyu laced Soobin's arms on his back and simply carried him on a piggy back style.

Beomgyu passed by the female staff who helped them get up in the rooftop and thanked her for letting Soobin stay there. At first the female was a bit sketchy over Beomgyu picking him up all of a sudden. But when she saw that Soobin's phone ringed when he called it using his phone earlier at the rooftop, she was easily convinced that the two knew each other.

Good thing Beomgyu parked his car right infront of the store because Soobin was really heavy for him. I mean he's literally carrying a 6'1" man, of course he'd be heavy.

He laid Soobin on the shotgun seat of his car, making sure he has his seat belt on before he went to go sit on the driver's seat and drove off.

There was only silence between the two, an awkward tension building around them. You could only hear the car's engine and the other cars around them.

It was a bit eerie, but not long after the ride Soobin's drunk ass decided to break the tension.

"Why were you with Yeonjun Hyung?" He asked, his words still slurring but a bit understandable that his sentences a few minutes ago.

"They said they were looking for a guitarist, I was thinking it would be a extra gig while I'm on college. I never expected that you were the leader there."

Soobin only hummed. Not really looking at Beomgyu's direction. Trying to not accidentally make eye contact with him.

"So... How's life?"

"Still shitty." Soobin replied shortly, he usually wasn't the type to cuss so Beomgyu was slightly taken aback from his choice of words.

"What about you? How were you after the..." Soobin couldn't continue his sentence, he has to admit. Breaking up with him last year through text was such a douchebag of a decision.

He even ghosted him by accident, Soobin knows himself that it was caused by his mental breakdown before but he never have the face to ever show himself to Beomgyu after that.

He knew the reason why he did that, but Beomgyu doesn't. And he doesn't need to know it, he's entitled to whatever kind of hatred he might have for Soobin at the moment and he does not want to invalidate those feelings by explaining why he broke him with him with such a half ass of a reason.

And that reason being is that Soobin refused to acknowledge that he will eventually show his vurnerable side to Beomgyu. He doesn't want to be seen weak, but I guess that facade breaks today.

"I was... fine." There was a few minutes of dead air before Beomgyu continued.

"Who am I kidding... Hyung to be honest, I was really hurt. I really thought we had something before."

Soobin could only let out a hitched breath, slowly becoming anxious as he began to fiddle with the zipper of his padded jacket.

The effect of the alcohol earlier seems to have slowly worn off since Soobin's thoughts are becoming sober again.

"I'm a douchebag for doing that I know. I have no excuse."

"A text." Beomgyu couldn't hold back and scoffed.

"A text, you could have just told it to my face if you're falling out of love really. But you really had the audacity to break up through a text. Why? Hyung tell me why please, because I don't like holding grudges." Beomgyu said as his grip on the steering wheel became tighter. He was mad, but he won't go on and acting based on his emotions. Unlike Soobin, he knew better than that.

"I'm was scared, still scared to be honest. I'm always seen as this calm and serene person. Someone you could just approach and talk to. I'm scared that you'll leave me once you see the weak side of me. The weak side of Soobin."

"So you left me before I could have that chance?"

"Yeah... It was an impulse due to a mental breakdown. I'm a piece of shit, I know. Hate on me all you want, I'll accept it."

Soobin said, finally just letting out that pent up feeling from before. What's there to lose anymore, he's seen everything at this point.

There's no use in hiding now.

"Okay..." Simply replied, there was no additional comment. Soobin didn't know if he was angry or he simply just didn't care anymore.

It was too dull, making Soobin's anxiousness rise up even more. He really did mess up didn't he?

Meanwhile Beomgyu was questioning if this boy really did love him in the past. Was it love? Or was it simply just a fling? Beomgyu feels played, and he doesn't even know what to feel with this new information he received.

"My turn to ask a question, why were you drinking?" Beomgyu asked, trying to divert his emotions away.

But as much as Soobin is tired of hiding, he's not so sure about this side of his life. He's not sure if he wants to share it to Beomgyu.

It was just all too much, he doesn't want Beomgyu to feel the burden of it as well.

"No particular reason." He replied, not wanting to initiate the conversation about that topic any longer.

Beomgyu caught up on the hint that Soobin didn't want to talk about that certain topic anymore, so he didn't pry.

They eventually reached back to the dorms. It was quite quiet since it was already dawn.

Soobin thanks the younger for the ride and got out of Beomgyu's car but was visibly confused when Beomgyu also got out.

"I'll just go grab my jacket from Yeonjun's room and I'll be off."

Soobin only nodded and went on to open the entrance using his keys, while Beomgyu stood behind him.

Soobin expected to be greeted which the dark view of their lounge area but was shocked to see a familiar hyung run up to him, his face carrying a worried face.

Beomgyu simply step aside and went straight inside so he wouldn't be hit with the eldest's attempt for a hug.

"Where were you?! And why do you smell like beer?!" Yeonjun bombarded their leader with questions.

"Do you know how worried I was?! I thought something happened to you? Look I know things aren't great right now but please don't run off, I don't want to lose you." Yeonjun's voice sounded so worried, like a mother who went frantic over her missing child.

Soobin didn't even notice it but he could feel streams of tears coming out of his eyes, which is something that Yeonjun noticed immediately.

"Soobin? Hey hey, I'm not mad. Don't cry." Yeonjun said as he tried to wipe of Soobin's continuous streams of tears.

Soobin really thought he would be able to hold himself longer. He thought he wouldn't break down like this. But something in Yeonjun's words just hit him so much that he couldn't hold in his feelings anymore.

Out of embarrassment he hugged his hyung. Trying to hide his crying face in his shoulders.

"I'm sorry." He said in a continuous manner.

"I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not being a good leader. I'm sorry I was weak, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm so so sorry. I–" Soobin was hiccuping over his words.

Yeonjun simply hugged him back, rubbing circles on his back as he tried to calm him down. Meanwhile Beomgyu just stood a few steps away from the two, he just came back from Yeonjun's room to grab his jacket but he's seen quite enough.

He didn't know what kind of burden Soobin had, he didn't know what impulse Soobin may have had when he broke up with him in the past.

But he knows that his Soobin hyung simply carries a lot of emotions that are too much to handle. He couldn't even afford to he mad at this point.

Everything was simply messed up. Soobin was broken, he was broken.

And as much as the both of them want to move on from the past, the lingering pain of heartbreak will be always there.

But hearing from Soobin's cries he understood something. Its not because Soobin didn't want to be seen weak, it was because he didn't want to become a burden.

This boy took into consideration on what Beomgyu would have had to deal with if he never broke up with him. It was a lot of emotional baggage. And he wasn't going to let Beomgyu go through those emotions which cause this huge ball of emotion inside of him to build up throughout the years.

"Hyung, I think I'm going insane." Beomgyu heard Soobin say through his cries.

"That song, its always there. Always on loop, I'm scared. Is it unrequited or is it lost love? I'm so scared, scared that I'll be addicted to that song. Scared that one day I'll just lose sight of everything." Soobin was scared, scared to lose his grip over his own sanity.

Soobin finally realizes something that he should have acknowledge a long time ago, and that is the fact that he's slipping.

Slipping out of his own sanity, simply using the death of his sister as an excuse over everything that is happening.

He's breaking, slowly slipping. And he's afraid of what might happen. He doesn't know who, or how he got it.

Who even is it? He doesn't even know, does he? Soobin can't even comprehend things anymore.

"I don't have the heart to tell Kai, hyung I don't want to burden him." He said, as his grip on Yeonjun's clothes become tighter. Soobin worries for what type of burden Kai would experience if they ever forced him to like the guy back. 

"He shouldn't be responsible for something I caused."

"Soobin... He needs to know."

"But he does, and he's not obligated to like me back. Its enough that he knows, he doesn't need to know about **Mélomane**. He's too young, and I know he likes Taehyun."

"Soobin..."

The air in that room was so stiff that Beomgyu couldn't even stomach it in and decided to run back to Yeonjun's room and possibly take a breather. Only to accidentally eaves drop on another conversation that he wished he didn't hear.

"Kai please, I'm begging you please even if you could just pretend. I can't stand seeing him like this anymore."

"You and I both know my time is ticking. If I love him now, I will only hurt him later on when I leave."

"Then why don't you make up for it while you still have time for pete's sake! How can you just smile and relax while knowing he's suffering." Beomgyu heard Taehyun's frantic voice. Anger dripping from each word that he just said.

"Because someone who has **mélomane** cannot be cured by someone who also has **mélomane**. As much as I want to help him, I'm also going insane Taehyun."

Beomgyu doesn't even know what to feel, he's shocked. It feels like he shouldn't hear these things, heck he's not even sure if he's supposed to be there. Way too much stuff just happened all at once. He covered his mouth as he decided to lean his back on a nearby wall.

"What the fuck."

Soobin fell in love **again**?! 

Christmas just took a huge different turn today. This is all just too overwhelming.

* * *

"Yeonjun Hyung... am I really that foolish to the point that I have 3 songs circling my head?"

"That I managed to fall in love with two people and lose one in the past."

"Yet somehow I'm wishing these three melodies would just blend together into one song. Into one new melody that I might actually tolerate and enjoy while keeping my sanity together."

"Ah... I really am going crazy aren't I?"

**Author's Note:**

> *stares* welp, I tried. Thanks for reading this monstrosity and I hoped you enjoyed XD, see ya in my next works bai bai!


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